Sunday, October 19, 2008

I don't have to go looking for trouble, it finds me all on it's own

There are currently two men in my life - and only two - that I truly and completely trust to give me discipline spankings. One is my Mentor. The other is my very close friend Vincent. I'm a very lucky young lady to have both of these men in my life. They both truly care about ME... I'm much more to them than just someone to get to spank. And I have a great deal of respect for both of them.

The only snag is that neither of them is close enough to meet with on a very regular basis. Perhaps this is supposed to help teach me patience (my Mentor does say I have a problem with patience). Most of the time, I deal with the distance issue pretty well. But sometimes, I get... well... impatient. I want a spanking RIGHT NOW. I don't want to wait.

This was the case this past weekend. Now, my Mentor, knowing that it's not always possible for us to get together when I have the need, is ok with me getting spankings from others for the most part. He wants to know about them... I ask permission. It just feels right to me, especially considering the poor judgments I've made about some of the people I've met in the past.

I had been chatting with a guy online, and had developed a sort of rapport with him. He was off work Monday for Columbus Day, and wanted to get together. I asked my Mentor, and he said it was ok with him. He told me that he wanted me to ask for 20 hard and fast swats over my jeans - as a reminder of part of the discipline spanking I had coming from him.

I did ask the guy for those 20 swats, and he said ok, but we never got to them. I was thinking we'd do them at the end, but I actually ended up safe-wording out of the spanking, because he was literally taking the skin off my bottom.

So I had to e-mail my Mentor and let him know I hadn't gotten the 20 swats he had asked me to get. He was disappointed that I didn't do the one and only thing he had asked of me. I honestly didn't deliberately disobey him. We had some miscommunication. He told me to ask for the 20 "if things work out and he swings a paddle with authority." He thought I should have gotten them first. I didn't know how I was supposed to know if he swung a paddle with authority in order know if things were going to work out so I'd know if I should ask for the 20 swats or not! Yeah... this is how my thinking gets me in trouble!

And then I got an e-mail from Vincent (a response to me complaining about the distance and how much I needed a spanking) saying that I needed to be patient (there's that word again!) and he didn't ever want to hear again that I had let some jerk beat my bottom black and blue because I wanted a spanking so bad that I wasn't as careful as I should have been. This e-mail came almost immediately after I sent him the story of what happened with this guy, so it was NOT a response to that. Yeah.... I had just sent him exactly what he was telling me that he better not ever hear from me again. My response was, "Oh, shit." I got back, "Oh, shit is right, Young Lady."

So. Two of the three men I respect and admire most in the world (my dad's the other, but he hasn't spanked me since I was a little girl, and (I hope) doesn't know I get them now) were now disappointed in me, and I wasn't even trying to misbehave.

Alot of the choices I've made in my life have been poor ones. I've done the wrong thing alot. And most of the time I have known that what I was doing was wrong. I've known that I'd probably get in trouble for it. But this time, I thought I was doing okay. I asked for, and got, permission to get that spanking. I did ask the guy for the 20 swats my Mentor wanted me to ask for. I was clear with him that one of the boundaries was that we stopped if there was any sign of broken skin. And when I realized that he was spanking two raw spots into my bottom, I safe-worded out - something I almost NEVER do.

I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but I was STILL in trouble with both my Mentor and with Vincent.

So I've got a new motto: This is Jessie.... I don't have to go looking for trouble, it finds me all on it's own.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

So many players

A few months ago, while I was searching for someone to be a regular spanker, I talked to and met with several different men for spankings. Hey, it was research! Anyway, this guy - I'll call him by his initials CT - he was the same age as I am. That generally doesn't work for me in spanking. I very much prefer my spanker, especially if he's a discipline spanker, to be at least a couple of years older than me. But the first few times I chatted with him, he seemed like a pretty okay guy.

One day, I'd met with another guy for my second spanking from him - I'll write his story another time - but that evening I was sitting on an icepack for the first time in my life. I had chatted with CT the night before, and he knew I was getting a spanking that day. He messaged me when he saw me online.

I wish I had saved that chat, but I didn't. He was trying to get me to let him come over and spank me again. I told him that even if my bottom wasn't more bruised than it had ever been in my life, he couldn't just come over to my house without us meeting in public first. I told him it was my own biggest rule, and a promise I had made very early on to the man who gave me my first true discipline spanking. He kept pushing, and I kept telling him no. He finally gave up.

That same night, I met James. We chatted for hours, and it was an instant connection. I don't want to say too much about him either, because I want to tell his story separately too.

So 8 days later, I'm online in the middle of the night, and CT comes on. Here's the conversation:

CT: good morning
CT: are you online?
JF: I am now
CT: were you sleeping?
JF: I was for a little while, but I have to work tonight (Friday) I usually stay up the night before so I can sleep during the day.... was wiped out, though, so I took a nap
CT: can't sleep here and don't have to work tomorrow
JF: I don't sleep well at night
JF: Never have
JF: one of the reasons I work nights
CT: so the bruises are finally going away?
JF: yeah, just about completely faded finally. Still a small line of yellow on my right upper thigh as of last night
JF: 8 days....
CT: so you need new ones
JF: don't need or want ones that bad though
CT: was it a paddle?
JF: It was several paddles, and he broke two of them
CT: disciplinarian or casual spanker?
JF: I wouldn't really classify him as either of those, really.
JF: he sure was proud of how hard he could swing a paddle
CT: but he did not talk right?
JF: nope... he would ask me if I was ready each time he picked up a different paddle, but that was it
JF: I could have said no, I suppose
JF: But not my style
CT: yes but you didn't and I should spank you for it
CT: I know you do not want a perfect stranger coming over to spank you, but what if I were to tell you I am not perfect
JF: Ohhh...well now you see, I can’t let you do that. Besides the fact that it breaks my own biggest rule like I told you last time…I've found someone for discipline...and if I were to let you just come over here, I’m pretty sure he’d take the skin off my ass.
CT: so you have met someone?
JF: Yeah.... we had dinner the other night. No spanking. Just dinner. Just talking.
JF: We decided to hold off on the spanking since I still had bruises
JF: However... there is a strap hanging on my bedroom wall... waiting
CT: would love to come over and use it
JF: Oh, I'm sure you would...
CT: hand, strap, belt etc...
CT: sounds like you need one anyway
JF: Oh, I always need one
CT: yep sounds like you do and you crave it
JF: Oh I do... totally... I think about it all the time.
CT: well we are both up, with nothing to do......
JF: Are you TRYING to get me in trouble?
CT: maybe, but he would not spank you due to some bruises you would have
JF: Sounds like YOU need a spanking!!!
CT: nope I need to give one young lady! warm up with my hand and move on to a belt etc....
JF: I dare say that my new friend would disapprove greatly of me letting someone else spank me before he does, now that the bruises have faded. And besides, it would be awfully disrespectful of me to do to him.
CT: did you tell them they are gone? When is he due over?
JF: Certainly you are not suggesting that I let you spank me and not tell him about it?
CT: no, not good to lie to a disciplinarian
JF: No, most definitely not.
CT: but when is he due to come over and spank you?
JF: Probably not until Tuesday or so because I work until then
CT: ah so there should be no bruises by then
JF: They should definitely be all gone by then
CT: even any that could happen tonight
JF: Yes, probably so. However...like I said… it would be extremely disrespectful of me to have asked him to wait until the bruises healed, so that my first spanking from him was not on top of someone else’s marks, and then let someone else spank me.
CT: Ok, but means no fun tonight, but I do understand what you are saying
JF: Trust me... I am dying for a spanking. But he makes me want to do things right.
JF: It's awfully new for me!
CT: so have one last fling tonight... it would be fun!
JF: NO! It’s not right, and it’s not worth feeling guilty over, no matter how bad I want a spanking.
CT: ok, no sting of my hand on your backside tonight then
JF: Nope
JF: Too bad for you...
CT: yep
JF: Don’t feel too bad. There’s a whole table of paddles over there that I can’t play with
CT: Too bad for you.....
JF: Yep
CT: though I could give you a hand with them
JF: Good Lord, I bet you were a lot of trouble as a kid!
CT: nope, good kid, and a better spanker
JF: Good kid... right.... nope, don't buy it.
CT: hmm your all worked up aren't you, too much spanking talk and thoughts going through your head..
JF: You have no idea
CT: yes you are eyeing that strap and paddles, just wishing....
JF: I would like to lose that strap, actually! Let the dogs chew on it or something
CT: but the paddles?
JF: Oh the paddles can stay... the paddles are pretty... I like to touch them
CT: I bet you do and like the touch of them
JF: Nothing quite like the feeling of a silky smooth paddle on your skin
CT: ah, well I wish I can talk you into a spanking tonight, a nice long butt warming but you do not want that, or could probably handle it
JF: It’s not going to happen, so you can stop trying to provoke me
CT: when you were getting lots of spankings, what would happen after the spanking, what type of aftercare?
JF: If you're talking sexual, that really didn't happen.
JF: But there was a lot of spanking
JF: And (I'm sure) mutual masturbation
JF: once both parties were alone
JF: I did have one guy who actually said, "I want you to give me a blow job now."
JF: And I said, "Umm.... no."
CT: then what did he do?
JF: He said, "Oh, ok. Sorry."
CT: that was presumptious of him
JF: It was, yes.... poor guy... he actually turned out to be a pretty good friend
JF: And he got his blow job later
JF: From my sister
CT: ? your sister is into spanking?
JF: No, my sister is into having sex
JF: She is a lightweight when it comes to spanking
CT: so your not a light weight? worried about what the other guy would do if I spank you?
JF: NO, I’m not “worried about what the other guy would do” if you spanked me. I respect myself AND him enough not to do let you do it. It’s not about fear, it's about respect, which seems to be something you know nothing about. If I chose to do it anyway, yes, I’d probably get a hell of a blistering, and I would deserve every bit of it. Not wanting that blistering is NOT being a lightweight. Do I want a spanking? Hell, yes. Do I want it bad enough to do something that will disappoint him AND me AND earn myself a blistering in the process? Not particularly. If that makes me a lightweight in your eyes, so be it. I have nothing to prove to you.
CT: OK
CT: well I hope Tuesday is worth it then
JF: It already is
CT: how so?
JF: Because he hasn't laid a single swat on me, and he's been an influence already
JF: If it ended right here.... he has already helped me changed my life. And it needed changing in a big way.

CT: so if it were not for him I would be spanking you right now?
JF: It's possible.
CT: and that is better?
JF: You know, I think it is.
CT: Ok, well I am going to try and sleep some, since no spankings to be found here

Would you believe that after this, I actually let this guy spank me about a week later? Not surprisingly, it was a disaster. Maybe I'll write about it later. Not sure it is worth the time and effort.

Disappointment

My mentor is disappointed with me. This is the first time he's told me that. And, God, I hate it.

I am working on not gossiping at work, and I haven't been doing so well. We just started working on this a little over a week ago, and I've already earned two spankings for it. And worse than the two spankings I've got coming, is the fact that I've disappointed my mentor.

There's not much I like hearing more than him saying that he's proud of me. And not much that hurts deeper than him saying that he's disappointed in me. It actually brought tears to my eyes.

But I sure did keep my mouth shut at work last night. Every time I even thought about saying something I knew I shouldn't, I thought about how much more disappointed he'd be if I had to tell him again, especially the second day in a row, that I participated in the gossip. And how much worse that would feel. As I saw it, my options were:

A) Keep my mouth shut
B) Participate in the gossip, be honest and tell him, disappoint him more, and get more spanking
C) Participate in the gossip, don't tell him (lie), tell him later, disappoint him even more than if I'd told the truth, and get a serious blistering for lying (plus likely get the spanking for gossiping that I didn't get earlier)

C is just not an option. I've been down that road before. I DON'T want to go down it again. I refuse to go down it again. So it's down to A or B - behave or suffer the consequences (in the words of a dear friend). And believe it or not, I actually chose to behave. Now hopefully I'll actually be able to do it two shifts in a row!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Visiting "Momma"

This is an oldie - something I wrote about 10 years ago. This is about a visit with a woman who was sort of a surrogate mother for me for awhile. This is a true story, with a touch of embellishment thrown in here and there for better reading. I never called this woman "Momma" in real life, but it made for a better telling of the story.

I stand in the middle of the yard, my head back, looking up at the stars. You just don't see stars like this in the city. The sky is dark and clear, not that hazy darkness like I have grown up seeing in the city. The stars shine brightly. I can actually see the different colors in them. Some are white, some are yellow, and some even look orange. I've never seen an orange star before. I think about how it takes millions of years for the light of those stars to reach us. And I wonder if someone somewhere is standing in a yard millions of light years away, looking up at their sky, seeing the light from our sun as a small speck of light.

My thoughts are interrupted by Momma's voice calling me to come inside. She is not the mother who gave birth to me, or the mother who raised me. But she is the mother who loves me as her own. I smile to myself, "In a minute, Momma," I call back. I could never have said that to my real mother, and I say it now not to be defiant, but just because I can and know that she will still love me. I take one last sweeping look at the sky, and head inside.

I know why she is calling me in. It is the reason I am here with her this weekend instead of at my home in the city. I am going to be spanked. I am strangely comforted by this thought, although I am a little scared as well. I don't like it when Momma has to spank me. But she does it because she loves me. She loves me enough to blister my bottom when I need it, even though it hurts her to do it.

I'm going to get a few spankings this weekend. Like Momma says, I am used to being a rule breaker instead of a rule follower. The last time I visited her, she told me to call her when I got home so she would know I got there safely. I forgot to call and she worried about me. That's what the spanking I'm about to get is for. She is going to send a message to my brain, by way of my butt, to remember to do what I'm told.

Momma and I go into her bedroom, where she is going to spank me. She sits on the bed and I stand facing her as she lectures me about not calling. She tells me she asked me to call because she cares, and that she was worried when I didn't because she didn't know if something had happened to me. This is the second time hearing this particular lecture. The first was when she called me that night to make sure I was okay. But now, when I am about to feel the sting of her paddle on my bare bottom, the message sinks in a little more clearly. In a minute, it will become clearer still.

When the lecture is over, she stops and looks at me. "I don't spank jeans, Jessie," she says. The knot that has been growing in my stomach during the lecture grows even more as I unbutton and unzip my jeans. I push them and my panties over my hips and down almost to my knees, and I lie over the bed beside her, my toes on the floor.

This is not my first spanking of the day, and my bottom is already a little tender. Since Momma and I don't live too close together, I get all the spankings I've earned since the last visit all in one weekend. My bottom is more tender with each spanking, and it makes each successive one just that much more effective. I guess that's good. I have a pretty tough bottom, and the effects of just one spanking wear off pretty quickly for me. But when I get several in just a couple of days, well, then it lasts longer, and I remember the lessons every time I sit down for awhile.

I make myself as comfortable as I can lying there on the bed, but I won't be comfortable for long. Momma's paddle comes down across my bottom, and I jump. I am always surprised by how much that thin little paddle stings. It comes down again and again, sometimes alternating between one cheek and the other, sometimes several swats in a row landing in the same spot. I start to squirm as the sting builds up into a fire. I squeeze my hands into fists, gripping the blanket to keep myself from trying to reach for my bottom.

Momma continues her lecture as she spanks me. "You will call me when you are told to. You will not worry me like that again. Do...you...un...der...stand?" She accents each syllable of this question with a particularly hard smack of the paddle.

"Yes, Ma'am," I gasp.

She continues the smack per syllable rhythm on my bottom as she tells me one more time how worried she was and that she is spanking me because she cares.

She stops spanking me for a moment. I am surprised to find that the fire continues to build in my backside even though she's not spanking me. "Why am I spanking you?" she asks me.

"Because I didn't call when I was supposed to and I worried you," I answer.

"And?"

"Because you care about me."

"That's right." She continues the spanking, delivering one stinging smack after another to my bottom. I didn't think the fire could get any hotter, but it is. It hurts more and more with every smack. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I finally let them go. I am not crying so much from the pain in my bottom as I am from the emotion. I have had spankings that were far worse than this and not shed a tear. But with Momma, I don't have to prove how tough I am or how much I can take. There is genuine emotion in this for both of us, and that is what allows me to cry now. Momma keeps spanking me for another minute or so, to make sure she drives the point home.

And then it is over. I like here for a moment and just cry, my face buried in the blanket. Momma reaches over and rubs my shoulder. "You're my good girl, Jessie," she says to me. "I don't like spanking you, but you need it. And I won't hesitate to do it every time you need it. Understand?"

I look at her and nod, still too filled with emotion and tears to speak. She motions for me move closer. I do, and she holds me in her arms as my tears begin to dry. I feel so safe with her arms around me. So loved. And even though I'm a 28 year old woman lying here in Momma's arms, I feel all of about 8. And in a way, I guess I am. I'm growing up again, but this time with the strict but loving discipline I wanted all along.

Humility, not humiliation

In my "adventures" as a submissive woman, I've run across more than one person who has said that they are into shame and humiliation. I don't get it. That's ok... I know there are a whole lot of people who don't get the fact that discipline spankings truly work for me. We are all different, and different things work for different people. I know there are people who would say that submitting to a spanking for things I've done wrong is allowing myself to be abused, so I'm certainly in no position to tell someone who is into being humiliated that it's wrong for her (or him). Just because I don't understand it doesn't make it wrong.


So... I was logged into yahoo messenger yesterday, and got this IM from this guy. I don't know him, don't know where he found me. But here's how it went... this is cut and paste, I just changed the names to "Him" and "Me"


Him: Hello jessie

Me: Hello. How are you?

Him: I'm great

Him: I'm an older guy who enjoys chatting, and meeting, younger bois and girls for OTK fun

Him: Where are you jessie? And what are you up to today?

Me: Oklahoma. I'm supposed to be working on cleaning the house.

Him: Well, sorry to intervene...you are a young housewife?

Him: And will there be a spanking coming if you don't get it done?

Me: oh no.... I'm an old maid... lol. I'm single... 38. You're not intervening, I'm just taking another break. I have tomorrow to do it too, just trying to get about half of it done today. And yes, if I don't get it done too many times, it will earn me a spanking.

Him: Old maid indeed...lol, and who will be administering said spanking to you?

Me: My Mentor.

Him: Very good. I mentor several young women myself. And two boys.

Me: I very much like having a Mentor. I'd like it even better if we lived closer together, but that’s life.

Him: yes...I hear you...so many mentees...so little time

Him: but I digress.

Him: I wonder if you are interested in augmenting your current mentor/mentee relationship at all?

Me: Well, I'll always talk to just about anyone about spanking until they give me a reason not to.... but you should know that my Mentor and I are very close, and I'm very loyal, especially where discipline is concerned.

Him: I quite understand and I applaud your honesty and candor. I often find, however, that one can develop one's mentoring skills by sharing ideas and techniques designed not to supplant, but to augment the relationship between original mentor and mentee

Me: Our relationship doesn’t need augmenting, but like I said, I’m always willing to talk.

Him: Tell me a bit about yourself and I will do the same. I am a professor at a college in Delaware. I'm 52 years young and have top experience with young men and women alike. I am into the humiliation aspects of spankings, not the pain, although it should certainly hurt.

Me: Ok, hold up. I'm not into humiliation at all. The spankings I get from my Mentor do hurt. He is strict but fair, and always caring. The discipline is to better me... not to humiliate me.

Him: I understand.

Him: Do you enjoy reading of other girls' experiences who do get a kick out of the humiliation aspects?

Me: No. Quite honestly, if I wanted humiliation, I'd go see my mother. She's the master. I don't enjoy seeing or hearing about anyone being humiliated. That's not what this is about for me at all. I don't judge those who enjoy that - we all have our thing. It's just not mine, and it's a very firm boundary for me.


And then he logged off - or blocked me, or whatever. Which was fine, I was done with the conversation anyway! And I gotta admit it was more than a little satisfying that this little sub stood up to the big bad Dom and told him what I thought, without even being bratty about it, and he took off like a dog with his tail between his legs. lol... okay, maybe that was a little bratty!


But it got me thinking about the humiliation thing, and how far that is from what it is that I have... and want... in this deal. I am a submissive woman, absolutely. And I love being a submissive woman. It gives me peace.

You can Google "humility vs humiliation" and come up with "about" 648,000 results. I don't know how many are relevant, I only sifted through the first couple of pages. There is some good reading there. But here are MY views, and I mean no judgment or disrespect to anyone who disagrees. But it's my blog, and this is what I feel... you don't like it, hopefully no one is forcing you to read. For me, being submissive is being humble - to have humility. And that's so much different than humiliation. Humiliation is about shame, being degraded, being torn down. Humiliation is forced submission. Humility is willing submission to a person I trust and respect. And I think it takes a much stronger man to let the submission happen naturally than to force a woman into submission with humiliation and shame.

This is not a game for me. Yes, I have fun with it sometimes. I love to laugh - and being able to make the man holding the paddle laugh can be a great asset! But I respect him greatly. And he respects me. I'm not afraid of him, or even the spankings he gives me. Because he's not doing it TO me, he's doing it FOR me. It's to help me learn, to help me be a better person, a stronger person.

Just my two cents, for what its worth.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Assume the position

Ok - a couple of things you need to know for this story to make sense. I'm a nurse. I work night shift. A Pyxis is the machine that we pull medications out of for the patients. Right then, now you're all up to speed.... ;-)

The night shift has to do the narcotics count every morning around 5:00. It takes two nurses, one that counts the meds in the drawers of the Pyxis, and one that types in the numbers that the other nurse counts. So this morning, I was counting narcotics with another nurse. I was doing the counting part. The drawers go all the way down to the floor, and most people when they count those either squat or kneel down or something. Me, I just bend over :-) (Does this surprise anyone?) When we were getting down to the lowest drawers the other nurse asked me, "Is your back hurting yet from bending over like that?" And I said, "Oh, no, I'm fine." And I added (to myself, in my head).... "Oh, don't worry, honey, I've had plenty of practice in this position!"

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Last night in the cafeteria...

Just a quick cute story today as I'm taking a break from cleaning...

The guy who serves the food in our cafeteria at work has become a pretty good friend over the past three years, and he and I have developed our private jokes that make other people in line look confused. It's great fun.

Well, last night, after I'd ordered the food I wanted, he asked me, "Would you like a dinner roll with that, Young Lady?"

And without even thinking (except about the dinner roll), I said, "Yes, Sir."

I think I must have gotten kind of an "oh shit" look on my face, because he smiled and winked at me and looked at the person behind me in line and said, "Did you hear that? 'Yes, Sir.' What manners this girl has!"

It's funny how perfectly natural it is for me to answer with a "Sir" when a man calls me Young Lady, even out of the context of a spanking relationship.

Anyway.... I'm dying for a spanking here, people... and nothing's panning out so far for my couple of days off that I have. This is when it's real easy for the brat in me to get into trouble. But what does it matter? Who's gonna spank me anyway?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Finding A Match - Rant

Why is it so difficult to find the right match in a spanker? As I've said in previous posts, I've always been a discipline spanking kind of girl. That is what I want and need in my life. I want someone who spanks me because they care about ME, and about helping ME be the best person I can be. I may be a grown woman, but I still need guidance. Left to my own devices, I can screw things up pretty bad.

There are some good ones out there. Some guys on the same page as I am. Unfortunately, "out there" is not close by. I'm getting some GREAT counsel and advice, and that's wonderful. But at the end of the day, I'm not going to bed with a sore bottom. And I am frustrated!

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote last night, with some additions, as I've slept on it...

There are plenty of guys out there willing to spank just for the sake of spanking, and they'll even call it discipline..... "tell me what you need to be punished for and I'll take care of you." But in the end it's just a game. Their "lectures" are just words, even if they are the right words.

For God's sake, take the time to get to know ME, and the issues will come out. Hell, take the time to get to know ME, and I'll glady spill the things weighing down my heart and soul. But it does take some time and trust. It's gonna take more than "hello. nice red bottom. tell me what you need to be disciplined for." At least if you want something more than "I have trouble keeping my house clean." If that's all you want, it's just a game for you and you're wasting your time and mine.

Truth is, most of you don't want the real issues anyway. You don't want to know the things I've done that I truly feel ashamed about. You don't want to have to care. You don't want to help. You just want to play Dom and give a spanking and go jerk off. And that's fine if that's what this is about for you. Just be up front about it, so I don't waste my time. You want to role play? Fabulous, I'm sure there's a girl out there for you to play with. You want a blow job after you spank a girl? You're not getting it from me. What part of "I'm not looking for a sexual relationship at this time" makes you think I want to suck your dick? Christ!

I may not be done with this one.... but I have to go shower and get ready to go have dinner with my dad.

Spank hard,
Jess

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How NOT to find out that your disciplinarian is a law enforcement officer

Jim was my regular disciplinarian, as I've written about before. As long as he was the only one who spanked me for discipline, and I met with him at least monthly, I was allowed to get spankings from anyone I wanted as often as I wanted.

I had been talking online with a guy named Doug. He lived in Austin, but he came to Houston to see me. He was a switch, and topping was never really my thing, but it got me a spanking, so I did it. Doug said I spanked too hard! During his visit, he told me that he had a whole gallon-size ziploc bag full of weed at his place in Austin. I had only smoked twice before, but I loved it, and I told him I'd be headed his way for a visit very soon.

So, a couple of weekends later, I went to Austin for the weekend. I spent the whole weekend stoned. Pot, pizza, and paddles.... a hell of a weekend. (Disclaimer for any current or potential spankers reading this: No, Sir, I don't do it anymore.) Anyway, I was using Doug's computer to check in with Jim. I was stoned off my ass. So stoned that my hands didn't look like they were attached to my arms. It was awfully funny at the time... my hands were typing on the keyboard, but I didn't have any arms!! Um, ok, anyway.... I was chatting with Jim, and he asked me how I was doing with smoking, and reminded me that each cigarette over a pack would cost me 20 swats.

I said, "Yes, Sir. How many do bong hits count?" I thought I was being very funny.

He said, "It depends on what's in the bong, young lady."

I asked, "What do you THINK is in the bong, Sir?"

He said, "You know I can't condone that, young lady. We'll discuss it later. Bye for now."

Can't condone it? Huh? Oh well....

So I went back to Houston, and I met with him and got my spanking for something.... I don't know what it was. We were sitting and talking afterwards, and I brought up spending the weekend smoking pot. He said a few things... I don't remember what they were. But a little while later, I mentioned something about my job - which at the time was working with battered women. I mentioned a woman who had said that she beat up her husband as much as he beat her up.

Jim said, "Yeah, I've had to arrest a couple of women for domestic violence before."

I started to say something when it hit me what he had said. "Uhh... arrested?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Arrested? Are you.... are you.... a cop?"

He was trying hard not to laugh at this point, "Yes, didn't you know that?"

"No! I didn't know you were a cop!!! I just sat here and told you that I spent the whole weekend stoned! Do you think I would have told you that if I'd known you were a COP??"

He then failed miserably at holding back his laughter. "Your face is as red as your ass!" Hmm... I did not find it funny. "Why did you think I said I couldn't condone that?"

"Well, I didn't know! But I didn't know you were a cop!!!!" I could have gladly crawled in a hole and died.

He looked at me seriously then, "Young lady, I'd prefer you didn't do that, if only because it is illegal. But if you're going to, for God's sake, don't tell me about it."

"Yes, Sir! Now that I know you're a cop!"

Seriously, how did I not know the man was a police officer? Yes, I did often wonder about the police cruiser that was always parked at his apartment complex, but I didn't realize it was his.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Learning the hard way

I've always been a discipline spanking kind of girl. My fantasies were always about the very strict, stern man who would spank me. He was firm, but never cruel. He spanked me for my own good, because I had done something to deserve it, and he did it because he cared about me. This was my fantasy since I was a little girl.

Twelve or thirteen years ago, when I was getting the most spanking action of my life, I would bare my bottom and bend over for nearly any man with a paddle in his hand. I was always up front about the fact that I wanted discipline spankings, and many of those men were willing to give me their version of that. But it was mostly play. And that was okay, because I enjoyed getting spanked, and they enjoyed spanking me. They were role-playing discipline spankings at best, even if I wasn't playing a role besides myself. What I mean by that is this - technically I was being spanked for something that I had done, and therefore it fell into the realm of discipline spanking. But it was lacking something for me most of the time - it was lacking the genuine caring from the other person. Not that they didn't care about me on some level. But it wasn't the same.

Eventually, among these men, I found one willing to be my mentor. He preferred that term to disciplinarian. A mentor was a trusted teacher, he said. A disciplinarian was just someone who carried out the discipline. Jim was one of the good guys. He got to know me. He didn't just want a confession so he could spank me. He was truly interested in helping me change things in my life. We exchanged daily e-mails, chatted online a few times a week, and usually met weekly for a spanking. Sometimes it was two weeks, sometimes it was twice a week. It just depended on what was going on.

At that time in my life, I needed a LOT of structure. I needed someone to tell me what to do and when to do it. I had no idea how to live my life. So we sat down together and made some rules. They weren't all necessarily hard and fast - if they weren't working, we'd agree on how to change them. I created plenty of reasons to get spanked. I pushed limits like you wouldn't believe. I had an online curfew of 11 pm on worknights. Perfectly reasonable. It was actually the time I picked. But boy, if he was online to notice, I wouldn't log off until 11:05. Things like that weren't that big of a deal, and we both knew it. But he spanked me for it anyway, because I had broken the agreed upon rules.

There were some serious things we were working on. Things that he only knew how I was doing on them by what I told him. And here's where things got complicated. I desperately wanted to make him proud of me. Disappointing him was just devastating to me. But I was in a place in my life where I couldn't seem to do anything right. It seemed like I was messing up everything in my life. Now I had someone right there who was willing to help me with those things. Someone who had alot more experience living life than I had, and who was perfectly happy to share his experiences and help me learn. But I failed to take advantage of it.

Like I said, the thought of disappointing him was devastating. I thought if I told him about all the mistakes I was making, he would be disappointed in me. I wanted to make him happy with me. So I lied to him. When he asked how some certain thing had gone, I told him it was good. I told him I had done what I was supposed to do, whether it was going to work (on time or at all), staying at or under a pack of cigarettes for the day, paid my rent or other bills, or whatever it was. I'd lie and lie and lie... and finally it would eat at me enough and I'd confess that I'd spent the last month or six weeks lying about this, this, or this.

The first time, he had me write "I will not lie" 500 times and he gave me one of the hardest spankings he had up until that point. The second time I did it, it was "I will not lie" 1500 times, and the spanking.... well, he came to my place for that one - he walked in, told me to get my pants down and bend over the stool, and without another word proceeded to thrash my bottom with a cane. When he was done, he told me to stand in the corner for half an hour, and he left. He had never spanked me without talking first, never not talked to me during the spanking, and never not sat and talked with me after the spanking. I cried so hard standing in that corner... not because of how much my bottom hurt (and it DID hurt), but because I knew that my lies had been far more disappointing to him than if Ihad just told him the truth about what was going on in my life.

You'd think that would have taught me to be honest with him. That would have made sense. I did swear to myself that I would behave myself, and that I'd be honest with him when I wasn't. It didn't last long, though. The third, and final time I confessed to him that I'd been lying to him, he didn't spank me. He didn't lecture me. He apologized to me. He apologized for failing me as my mentor. He said he would always care about me, but that he would no longer be able to discipline me. He wished me the best and said goodbye.

I've grown up alot since then. I'm no less of a brat, by any means. And my smart mouth has been honed with the extra years of practice. And I still make mistakes. Lots of them. Some of them are bigger than others. Sometimes, even when I know what's right and wrong, I choose the wrong thing. But I'm learning to be up front and honest about those things, and to admit my guilt now, instead of six weeks from now.

I hope it doesn't take me another 12 years to learn to choose to do the right thing in the first place!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Idiot. Or, Respect Must Be Earned

All the experiences I've written about so far are at least several years old. The more new stuff that goes into my head, the more old stuff slips out, so I figure I should preserve the old stuff first. But this one... this one has earned being told now. There is no actual spanking involved here, but I think it's entertaining just the same.

This actually started a couple of weeks ago. On a spanking personals site, this guy sent me a "smile." I read his profile - he lives several states away, and didn't say anything about travelling. I "smiled" back at him, but figured that would be the end of it, as it usually is. He smiled at me again the next day. I don't play the smiling back and forth game - if you're interested after a smile, send me a message. If I'm interested after a smile, I'll send you a message. See how easy that is? Anyway, he kept sending me smiles. Finally, he sent me a message, and during a few message exchanges, it came down to: he wants to spank me, he doesn't travel to Oklahoma for any reason, he's five years younger than I am. It's not a hard and fast rule with me, but in general, I just don't have the right chemistry for spanking with a guy who is younger than I am. Anyway, I politely told him I appreciated his interest, but it really didn't seem like it was going to work out. He said we should chat and see what happened.

So yesterday evening, I was bored, and thought I would go check out the chat room on that particular site. I used to play there alot several years ago, and I know the dynamics and maturity level of most of the people who hang out there. Certainly not all - I've talked with some very nice people there. I enjoy chatting about my experiences and such, but I outgrew cyber spankings 15 years ago, and just because your name is capitalized and mine's not doesn't mean you can top me.

So I'm chatting with several different people at once, and there he is. Oh, how I wish I had saved our chat. I'll recreate it here the best I can.

Idiot: Hi

Me: Hi

Idiot: I really want to spank you

Me: That would be nice, but unfortunately probably not realistic

Idiot: Why not?

Me: Well, because you are in California, I'm in Oklahoma, and neither of us travel.

Idiot: So?

Me: So?? Well, I have some big paddles, but I don't have any THAT long.

Idiot: You could text me.

Me: I'm looking for real life spankings, not cyber spankings or text spankings.

Idiot: Well can't we chat and see what happens?

Me: Fine, I guess there's no harm in chatting.

Idiot: See?

Me: (no answer)

Idiot: So what are you looking for?

Me: Real life spankings

Idiot: From just one person?

Me: Well, ideally, mostly from just one person, with maybe an occasional play spanking from others on occasion.

Idiot: I'd like to be that main person for you.

Me: I hear that, but again... you don't live here.

Idiot: You could call me.

Me: No.

Idiot: No?

Me: No.

Idiot: Why?

Me: I don't do phone spankings either.

At this point I get bumped offline. I get back on.

Idiot: Hello?

Me: Sorry, got bumped

Idiot: That's ok, happens all the time

Me: Yeah

I get bumped again

Idiot: You get bumped again?

Me: Yes, dammit

Idiot: You watch that mouth young lady I spank for that

Me: (no answer)

Idiot: So when were you last spanked?

Me: Thursday

Idiot: Who did it?

Me: Someone I met

Idiot: Who?

Me: You don't know him.

Idiot: Was it hard?

Me: Yes

Idiot: Was it bare?

Me: Started over the jeans, ended up bare.

Idiot: Did you cry?

Me: No

Idiot: I'd have made you cry

Me: No you wouldn't have.

I get bumped again

Me: Dammit!

Idiot: Whack! Whack! Smack! I told you to watch your mouth!

Me, now totally fed up with the idiot: Well, you know, I would watch my mouth, but my nose is in the way and all.

Idiot: You know what I meant

Me: Wow

Idiot: I'll wash your mouth out with soap

Me: Well shit, I better not fucking cuss anymore then

Idiot: Smack! smack! smack! Call me right now! My number is ###-###-####!!!!

Me: Are you fucking kidding me?

Idiot: Are you testing me young lady?

Me: Me? Oh no! I'd NEVER do that.

Idiot: That's good, because you won't win.

Me: Too late, honey, I just did.

And then I blocked him.

Seriously, whack whack smack? What the hell, dude? I chatted with like 7 other people, all of them tops/Doms, and not one other person said anything remotely like whack whack smack. And I'll tell you what - a couple of those guys actually got a yes, Sir or two out of me during our chats. Respect. Because they had earned a bit of it.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Spanking Christmas Party

Christmas 1998. Wow, I can't believe it was ten years ago! My spanking friends and I had a Christmas party. There were seven of us there. We played cards, and watched some homemade spanking videos, but I was the only one who got spanked. And that was because J, my regular disciplinarian was there, and he decided that we should show everyone the kind of spanking I got. Great.

He had me bend over the back of the chair in the living room. J usually only spanked me bare bottom, and only for discipline, but he said since it wasn't a true discipline spanking, and it was in front of other people he would let me leave my jeans up. The rest of the group was a little disappointed - and I thought they were my friends!

He said he would give me five hard swats. With the 24 inch 7-ply Baltic Birch plywood fraternity paddle...with holes. Damn, I hated that paddle. It hurt like hell!

He gave me the first swat. Oh yeah, it was definitely a hard one! He let it settle in for a few seconds, then gave me the second one, as hard as the first. Another few seconds, and then the third swat. "How many was that?" he asked me.

"Three," I said.

He leaned towards me a little bit. "How many?" he asked.

I thought he hadn't heard me. I knew my count was correct. "Three," I said, a little louder.

He leaned closer, "How many?" he asked, louder.

I was just about to smart off and say "Three. What are you deaf or something?" when I realized what he wanted to hear. "Three, Sir," I said.

"That's better." The fourth swat came down hard. There was a pause, then he cleared his throat, indicating he was waiting on me to say something.

"Four, Sir," I said.

And then the fifth swat landed, harder than any of the first four. I almost jumped up, but didn't. "Five, Sir," I said.

He told me I could stand up. I stood, and as I rubbed my smarting bottom, I grinned and told him what I had almost said when he asked me how many for the third time. He laughed and then said, "If you had, you'd have gotten 10 more that hard on your bare bottom."

What can I say? The man loved my smart mouth, even though he spanked me regularly for it. Hell, maybe that's why he loved my smart mouth!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

The one that made me cry

In all the spankings I've gotten as an adult, very few of them have made me cry. As is true with most other people I've talked to about being spanked as an adult, the tears are far more about emotion than about pain. I tend to get moody, and sometimes, a good hard paddling is just what I need to ... well... adjust my attitude.

This particular spanking took place when I was living with R. and P. - He spanked her, they both spanked me. I'd had a really bad attitude for a couple of days. Nothing in my life seemed to be going right, and I was quite irritable about it. The three of us were out at Applebees for lunch. We were talking about the fact that I had blown out the engine on my car, and that I needed a job, but couldn't look for one without the car. I don't remember the exact details, but R. was making suggestions about how to deal with things, and I was shooting his ideas down as quickly as he was coming up with them. We were both getting frustrated, and I finally snapped at him one too many times. He gave me the look I had come to know very well and said, "That attitude of yours has gotten out of control, young lady, and I'm going to fix it when we get home."

My stomach flip-flopped and my throat tightened. I was in for it. "Yes, Sir," I said. My attitude was much more subdued the rest of the meal. I didn't really taste my food much because I knew I was going to get a hard spanking, and that's all I could think about. R spanked hard when he wasn't mad at me. And he was not at all happy with me now.

He didn't waste much time when we got home. He got his favorite paddle... I don't know what kind of wood it was, but it was big and it hurt... and he pulled the leather chair out into the middle of the living room and we stood behind it. He pointed at the back of the chair with the paddle. "Get your britches down and get over there," he said.

Oh shit - he was starting out with me bare bottom. Usually he started over my jeans, but not when I was in serious trouble with him. "Yes, Sir," I said as I unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, pushed them and my panties down and bent over the back of the chair. That chair - it was just the right height. Bending over the back of it put my bottom high in the air, and I had to reach a bit to get my hands on the seat, so it took some work to get out of position once I was in it. A perfect punishment spanking chair.

He didn't start the spanking immediately. Instead, he started lecturing me, with me there with my bare bottom stuck up in the air. I don't remember everything he said, but it was about my attitude, about being respectful, about how hard the spanking I was about to get was going to be, about how I was going to remember this one for awhile. My part in the conversation was all "Yes, Sir" or "No, Sir."

Then the paddling began. It was hard. And fast. I don't mean it was over quickly, I mean the swats came one after another. He had spanked me that hard before, but it had always been slow, giving me some time between swats. It hardly seemed like the paddle had left my bottom before it was coming down again. It hurt, and it hurt alot. And the swats just kept coming.

I can take a very hard spanking and I usually maintain my composure pretty well no matter how much it hurts. But my emotions were raw, and I needed this spanking. And I needed it just as hard as he was giving it to me. Still, I tried to be tough, to take what he was giving me without breaking down. But he was not letting up. Those who know me well know that I'm about to break during a spanking when I put my hands on my head and grab my hair - I didn't even know I did it until someone told me. But anyway, I was about to break, and I buried my face in the cushion of the chair and my hands were clenched in my hair.

Then, somehow, he managed to make the swats come down even harder. A few swats later, I started crying. No, not crying, sobbing. All the feelings I'd had going on that I'd kept bottled up inside came pouring out. Between sobs I managed to say I was sorry. And when he asked me if this was going to help me with my attitude, my answer was a very sure "Yes, Sir!" He lightened up the swats some, but didn't stop right away.

When he finally did stop, he let me stay over the chair until I had stopped crying. When I did stop, he told me I could stand up and pull up my pants. My bottom was on fire, but I pulled my panties and my jeans and started wiping away my tears.

He told me to come sit down so we could finish the talk we were trying to have at lunch. I walked over to the couch and sat down. And for the first time that I'd ever sat down after a spanking, I jumped right back up and asked him if was ok if I stood instead! That was the only time it's happened. I've had plenty of spankings that made me sit a little carefully, but have never had one since that truly made it that difficult to sit afterwards.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Life as a young spankaholic

I don't remember a time as a child that I wasn't completely fascinated by spanking. I used to lie in bed at night and fantasize about being pulled over someone's knee and being spanked hard and fast. When my mom took a nap, I would sneak her paddle out of the kitchen drawer, go up to my bedroom, turn on my radio, go in my closet and spank myself with it, and sneak it back to the drawer before she woke up. As my brother and sister and I got older and the spankings got less frequent, I started keeping the paddle hidden in my closet for longer periods of time. One day, my mom was looking for it and I was just sure she would know that I had it. Fortunately, she thought my brother or sister had taken it and hidden it because they were the ones it got used on most. I was the good kid - Ha! Helped that I was the baby of the family.

Whenever a kid at school talked about being spanked at home, I was all ears, wanting to hear about it. I remember reading passages of books over and over that had spankings or even references to them in them. I don't remember some of the books, but I still remember certain sentences. I remember this one: "Next he picked up a hairbrush and gave Mary Jane a spanking. She tried to tell him it was the witch who had done it, but he only spanked her harder."

If I saw a movie with a spanking in it, I would fantasize about it when I went to bed that night, imagining that I was the one getting spanked. Any dictionary I came across, I would look up the words spank, spanking, discipline, punishment, whipping, and other related words.

And cartoons - lord, there had to have been some serious spankos making cartoons in the late 70's! Oh, how my stomach would flip flop when the mama beaver put her baby beaver over the log and spanked him with her paddle-like tail! And the time on Tom and Jerry when Tom got caught in the clothesline and it spun him around and around backwards and his bottom kept smacking into a piece of wood that was sticking out... pretty soon his bottom was bright red and throbbing, and I was watching wide-eyed and feeling such strange feelings.

I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me to have such feelings. On the rare occasions that I did get a spanking from one of my parents, I dreaded it. So I couldn't understand the overwhelming feelings of desperately wanting to be spanked that I was having. I was awfully ashamed of these feelings. So much so that I couldn't even make myself say the word "spank" or any form of it. The last time I almost got spanked - I was 9, I think. I had lied about something, and my dad gave me the choice of a spanking or three days with no tv. I wanted to choose the spanking even though I was just in my underwear and a t-shirt and it would have been the first time my dad would have spanked me other than with my jeans on. Not because I enjoyed being spanked by my dad - far from it. I hated to have my dad disappointed enough in me to spank me. But I didn't want to give up tv for three days. I would have chosen the spanking...but I was crying near hysterically even thinking about saying the word. I managed to say "t....v...." in between sobs. My dad must have thought that the idea of a spanking was deeply traumatizing to me because he never spanked me again. He never even suggested it.

Remember the Fisher-Price toys - back when toys were well made? I had the school and the house and the castle. Well.... lots and lots of spanking going on in those buildings! There were kids standing in every available corner of the school house at all times. I had my sister's hand-me-down Barbie dolls, and they were always bare bottom getting spanked. I had a doll house with very posable people and the parents were always sitting in a chair with one of the kids bent over their knee. And I spanked all my stuffed animals. And of course I had all the Star Wars action figures because I was a child of the 70's. Instead of having battles, mine were always bent over getting spanked.

As I grew into a teenager and the action figures, stuffed animals, and other toys started going in boxes in the garage, I had to go back to just my imagination. My parents also started leaving me at home alone sometimes, and so I spent alot more time back in the closet spanking my bare bottom with whatever I could find that hurt. I already thought I was the only person in the world who wanted to be spanked. I was absolutely certain I was the only person in the world who actually spanked themselves.

I was 21 when I first got online on Prodigy (on my DOS based Compaq Deskpro 286 with a 20 meg (yes MEG) hard drive that was supposed to be bigger than anyone would ever need) and did a search for "spanking," not expecting to find anything other than references to child rearing and whether or not you should spank your child. To my surprise (and delight) I found a message board where people were talking about spanking in a way that I thought only existed in my own head.

Then there was Windows and AOL and good old alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking - back when at least 75% of posts were actually spanking pictures. Oh, I spent hours and hours looking at pictures and chatting. It was so amazing to realize that I wasn't the only one. I still wasn't sure that it wasn't terribly abnormal and that I wasn't crazy. I mean, just because you're not alone doesn't make you normal. I still had a whole lot of shame about it that was going to take time to work through.

But those will be stories for other posts.

Spank hard,
Jess

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Story of My First Adult Spanking

I don't remember the name of the guy who gave me my first spanking as an adult. I was 23 or so at the time. He was from out of town, in town on business. We had only exchanged a few e-mails when he had his trip into town, but I was desperate for a spanking, so I decided to meet him.

We met in the cafe of the Whole Foods that was close to the hotel he was staying at. We talked a bit. He asked me if I had ever had a real spanking as an adult, or if it had just all been fantasy. Just fantasy except for spanking myself, I told him. He told me that he would spank me with his belt, and that he wouldn't be touching me with his hands anywhere besides my bottom. He asked me if I could be quiet during the spanking because he stayed at the hotel he was in quite often. I assured him that the belt would make more noise than I would.

I followed him back to his hotel room. He gave me the option of starting bare bottom or with my panties up. I was a bit nervous, so I decided to start with my panties up. I dropped my jeans and bent over the desk chair as he told me to. As he was taking off his belt, he said he was going to give me 20 with the belt, and I was going to count each of them. And he reminded me to be quiet. He swung the belt, and holy crap that leather burned. The fire in my bottom built up as he continued the strokes and I counted each one.

After 20, he stopped and asked me if I was ok. I said yes. He asked me if I could take 20 more. I said, "Yes, Sir." So he gave me 20 more strokes with his belt, and again I counted each one. By the end of those, my bottom was really hurting, but I loved it. Each time the belt landed, there was a new explosion of pain in my bottom, especially on the right side, where the end of the belt was landing.

At the end of that set of 20, he asked me again if I was ok. Again, I answered yes. Again he asked me if I could take 20 more, and again I answered "Yes, Sir." He told me to lower my panties. I did, and resumed my place bent over the chair. The first stroke landed. I know those panties weren't much protection, but the bite of that belt on my bare bottom that had already taken 40 hard strokes of his belt made me suck in my breath hard. A few seconds passed before he said, "I didn't hear you count."

I managed to get out a "one" not much louder than a whisper. With each of that last twenty, I struggled to stay in place, but I did. I sucked my breath in through my teeth with each stroke, but I managed to count out each stroke.

When he finshed that 20, he said, "We're done." I thought Thank God! Then he told me that I was too submissive and that I needed professional help! Well, I thought that was just great - I finally found someone who was into the same thing I am, and even he thinks I'm crazy!

But I was already in therapy, and I wasn't about to give up spanking again after finally getting a real life spanking.

Stay tuned for more true stories!