Sunday, October 19, 2008

I don't have to go looking for trouble, it finds me all on it's own

There are currently two men in my life - and only two - that I truly and completely trust to give me discipline spankings. One is my Mentor. The other is my very close friend Vincent. I'm a very lucky young lady to have both of these men in my life. They both truly care about ME... I'm much more to them than just someone to get to spank. And I have a great deal of respect for both of them.

The only snag is that neither of them is close enough to meet with on a very regular basis. Perhaps this is supposed to help teach me patience (my Mentor does say I have a problem with patience). Most of the time, I deal with the distance issue pretty well. But sometimes, I get... well... impatient. I want a spanking RIGHT NOW. I don't want to wait.

This was the case this past weekend. Now, my Mentor, knowing that it's not always possible for us to get together when I have the need, is ok with me getting spankings from others for the most part. He wants to know about them... I ask permission. It just feels right to me, especially considering the poor judgments I've made about some of the people I've met in the past.

I had been chatting with a guy online, and had developed a sort of rapport with him. He was off work Monday for Columbus Day, and wanted to get together. I asked my Mentor, and he said it was ok with him. He told me that he wanted me to ask for 20 hard and fast swats over my jeans - as a reminder of part of the discipline spanking I had coming from him.

I did ask the guy for those 20 swats, and he said ok, but we never got to them. I was thinking we'd do them at the end, but I actually ended up safe-wording out of the spanking, because he was literally taking the skin off my bottom.

So I had to e-mail my Mentor and let him know I hadn't gotten the 20 swats he had asked me to get. He was disappointed that I didn't do the one and only thing he had asked of me. I honestly didn't deliberately disobey him. We had some miscommunication. He told me to ask for the 20 "if things work out and he swings a paddle with authority." He thought I should have gotten them first. I didn't know how I was supposed to know if he swung a paddle with authority in order know if things were going to work out so I'd know if I should ask for the 20 swats or not! Yeah... this is how my thinking gets me in trouble!

And then I got an e-mail from Vincent (a response to me complaining about the distance and how much I needed a spanking) saying that I needed to be patient (there's that word again!) and he didn't ever want to hear again that I had let some jerk beat my bottom black and blue because I wanted a spanking so bad that I wasn't as careful as I should have been. This e-mail came almost immediately after I sent him the story of what happened with this guy, so it was NOT a response to that. Yeah.... I had just sent him exactly what he was telling me that he better not ever hear from me again. My response was, "Oh, shit." I got back, "Oh, shit is right, Young Lady."

So. Two of the three men I respect and admire most in the world (my dad's the other, but he hasn't spanked me since I was a little girl, and (I hope) doesn't know I get them now) were now disappointed in me, and I wasn't even trying to misbehave.

Alot of the choices I've made in my life have been poor ones. I've done the wrong thing alot. And most of the time I have known that what I was doing was wrong. I've known that I'd probably get in trouble for it. But this time, I thought I was doing okay. I asked for, and got, permission to get that spanking. I did ask the guy for the 20 swats my Mentor wanted me to ask for. I was clear with him that one of the boundaries was that we stopped if there was any sign of broken skin. And when I realized that he was spanking two raw spots into my bottom, I safe-worded out - something I almost NEVER do.

I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but I was STILL in trouble with both my Mentor and with Vincent.

So I've got a new motto: This is Jessie.... I don't have to go looking for trouble, it finds me all on it's own.


Anonymous said...

A difficult situation Jess, sorry trouble found you again.
Thanks for following my blog, I'm happy you found it and hope you like it.
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Looks like you are lucky enough to have found two to take care of you even if they are not that close to you. Sorry I am a glass half full man.

I hope you find what you are searching for. Believeme when I say I understand. I am still very new to all of this and I hope to have some success in my own search.


Anonymous said...

For what it is worth, I think... no, I KNOW you did the right thing. Spankings don't always work out. Period. It is naive to think they will. And you are going to continue to meet men unless one of these two is going to move in and/or marry you!

That said, I'm sorry you had such a rough experience with the new guy and I'm very glad he respected your safe word.

Jess said...

Thanks, Maryann! I very much appreciate the words of support.


raw.hyde said...

Your Mentor telling you to basically tell another spanker how to discipline you is a BAD idea. In doing so, he is not only controlling you but attempting to control the other spanker. That may or may not be his conscious/unconscious goal, but in reality that's what's happening.

Spanking is largely about trust. If I decided, after discussing things with you, that you "needed" 20 hard swats with a paddle and I gave them to you . . . only to find out later that the spark of your need was your Mentor, I would feel that my trust had been violated. That would be the end between us.

If you had told me ahead of time that it was important to swat you 20 times because of your Mentor's directive, I would have decided not to meet you. But at least we
both would have been honest about it. You would have been honest in letting me know that you expected me to play second-fiddle to your Mentor, and I would have been honest with you in telling you "No thanks", I am my own man.

Trust and honesty is largely about free choice. It is your choice to set guidelines before agreeing to meet, but you owe it to any potential partner to be totally open about those choices.

For me a spanking relationship, even a one-time meeting, means nothing if there isn't a meeting of minds between TWO people. At least THREE people were in the room that day, and for me, that's one too many.

That's one of *my* guidelines that I would make clear before meeting anyone. Then they have the option to say that that isn't possible with them. Then you part as two totally honest people with no ill-feelings.

Jess said...


I was totally honest with the guy about my relationship with my mentor before we even talked about actually meeting. He knew our meeting was with my mentor's permission, and he was fine with that... he just wanted to spank me... and I just wanted a spanking.

That said.... I don't disagree with you.

pammie said...

Interesting blog. I came across this as a link to Maryann's blog. I had a mentor for a while but it didn't work out. Now I'm a spankee looking for a spanker. Just found a Dom online today, but I'm taking it VERY slow.


Anonymous said...

Dear Jess,

I've been reading all of your posts, seeing so much of myself in them. Especially in the will to make a disciplinarian proud and the desire for punishment spankings from someone who truly cares about you and your situation and not looking for just about any reason to swing the paddle.

I have chatted with a few nutcases myself and even met them irl with results similar to those described in your blog. It feels good to know that someone else has the same thoughts about this type of spankers.

Eventually, I met my husband, someone who cared and managed to make me change my bad habits. In the beginning I lied to him, pretty much for the same reasons that you mentioned in one of your posts - I was afraid he'd leave me if he knew how bad I really was. But he stayed, punished me for every lie and now, we've been together for five years, still going strong. I never lie nowadays because he has managed to convince me that the only thing I could do to make him leave me would be to say that I don't want to be his well-behaved, obedient girl anymore. Not that I succeed in being just that all the time, but my desire and efforts matter to him.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, hope that you keep posting and wish you all the best in your search for true, caring discipline.

Yours sincerely,


Anonymous said...

I miss you and hope you are okay. This was a very rough experience in your last post. I hope it isn't your final post.