Thursday, October 9, 2008

Humility, not humiliation

In my "adventures" as a submissive woman, I've run across more than one person who has said that they are into shame and humiliation. I don't get it. That's ok... I know there are a whole lot of people who don't get the fact that discipline spankings truly work for me. We are all different, and different things work for different people. I know there are people who would say that submitting to a spanking for things I've done wrong is allowing myself to be abused, so I'm certainly in no position to tell someone who is into being humiliated that it's wrong for her (or him). Just because I don't understand it doesn't make it wrong.

So... I was logged into yahoo messenger yesterday, and got this IM from this guy. I don't know him, don't know where he found me. But here's how it went... this is cut and paste, I just changed the names to "Him" and "Me"

Him: Hello jessie

Me: Hello. How are you?

Him: I'm great

Him: I'm an older guy who enjoys chatting, and meeting, younger bois and girls for OTK fun

Him: Where are you jessie? And what are you up to today?

Me: Oklahoma. I'm supposed to be working on cleaning the house.

Him: Well, sorry to are a young housewife?

Him: And will there be a spanking coming if you don't get it done?

Me: oh no.... I'm an old maid... lol. I'm single... 38. You're not intervening, I'm just taking another break. I have tomorrow to do it too, just trying to get about half of it done today. And yes, if I don't get it done too many times, it will earn me a spanking.

Him: Old maid, and who will be administering said spanking to you?

Me: My Mentor.

Him: Very good. I mentor several young women myself. And two boys.

Me: I very much like having a Mentor. I'd like it even better if we lived closer together, but that’s life.

Him: yes...I hear many little time

Him: but I digress.

Him: I wonder if you are interested in augmenting your current mentor/mentee relationship at all?

Me: Well, I'll always talk to just about anyone about spanking until they give me a reason not to.... but you should know that my Mentor and I are very close, and I'm very loyal, especially where discipline is concerned.

Him: I quite understand and I applaud your honesty and candor. I often find, however, that one can develop one's mentoring skills by sharing ideas and techniques designed not to supplant, but to augment the relationship between original mentor and mentee

Me: Our relationship doesn’t need augmenting, but like I said, I’m always willing to talk.

Him: Tell me a bit about yourself and I will do the same. I am a professor at a college in Delaware. I'm 52 years young and have top experience with young men and women alike. I am into the humiliation aspects of spankings, not the pain, although it should certainly hurt.

Me: Ok, hold up. I'm not into humiliation at all. The spankings I get from my Mentor do hurt. He is strict but fair, and always caring. The discipline is to better me... not to humiliate me.

Him: I understand.

Him: Do you enjoy reading of other girls' experiences who do get a kick out of the humiliation aspects?

Me: No. Quite honestly, if I wanted humiliation, I'd go see my mother. She's the master. I don't enjoy seeing or hearing about anyone being humiliated. That's not what this is about for me at all. I don't judge those who enjoy that - we all have our thing. It's just not mine, and it's a very firm boundary for me.

And then he logged off - or blocked me, or whatever. Which was fine, I was done with the conversation anyway! And I gotta admit it was more than a little satisfying that this little sub stood up to the big bad Dom and told him what I thought, without even being bratty about it, and he took off like a dog with his tail between his legs. lol... okay, maybe that was a little bratty!

But it got me thinking about the humiliation thing, and how far that is from what it is that I have... and want... in this deal. I am a submissive woman, absolutely. And I love being a submissive woman. It gives me peace.

You can Google "humility vs humiliation" and come up with "about" 648,000 results. I don't know how many are relevant, I only sifted through the first couple of pages. There is some good reading there. But here are MY views, and I mean no judgment or disrespect to anyone who disagrees. But it's my blog, and this is what I feel... you don't like it, hopefully no one is forcing you to read. For me, being submissive is being humble - to have humility. And that's so much different than humiliation. Humiliation is about shame, being degraded, being torn down. Humiliation is forced submission. Humility is willing submission to a person I trust and respect. And I think it takes a much stronger man to let the submission happen naturally than to force a woman into submission with humiliation and shame.

This is not a game for me. Yes, I have fun with it sometimes. I love to laugh - and being able to make the man holding the paddle laugh can be a great asset! But I respect him greatly. And he respects me. I'm not afraid of him, or even the spankings he gives me. Because he's not doing it TO me, he's doing it FOR me. It's to help me learn, to help me be a better person, a stronger person.

Just my two cents, for what its worth.


Anonymous said...

Purposeless humiliation bothers me greatly. When used to accent a particularly stupid behavior, like drunk driving, fine, but... I was at a convention and a couple used it as part of their D/s relationship, and it made me EXTREMELY upset on her behalf. I guess I just don't understand it.

raw.hyde said...

I too am one who does not judge OR understand humiliation.

I have tried to talk to a number of women who claim to be into humiliation (I am a straight man who sees no reason to talk with other men all that much.)

Not one of them seems to really understand humiliation either.

To me "humiliation" is misused as much as "submission" is.

In my experience, for example, most women only "submit" to things that feed some desire within them. In my mind, you cannot submit to that which you desire. So in that sense "submission" strikes me as an act that to the "vanilla" world seems against their best interest or inclination. But to the "submissive" woman, what they do is as vital to them as the air they breathe.

Assuming you are in a totally honest relationship, I think it is critical to discover what gives a submissive the greatest pleasure and what gives them the least.

Do they truly want to submit? Do they truly want to be disciplined?

If the submissive is male, for example, make him masterbate before you discipline him. In most cases that removes, at least temporarily, any sexual pleasure he might receive from a spanking.

If you know the submissive craves the stinging crack of a big paddle, when it's time for punishment, use a thin switch across her butt.

Humiliation seems to be the same as submission. In a "vanilla" frame of mind, certain things may make you feel humiliated, but often those same things are the things that can arouse some "into" humiliation. It's a trick thing. How many women would feel humiliated if their man brought home another woman to had hot, rough sex with that other woman as she looked on. Many would but many would also be aroused by watching it.

In reality, I think true submission is a rare thing and so is humiliation . . . especially when it's consentual . . . which it should be.

That's my 50 cents.