I don't remember a time as a child that I wasn't completely fascinated by spanking. I used to lie in bed at night and fantasize about being pulled over someone's knee and being spanked hard and fast. When my mom took a nap, I would sneak her paddle out of the kitchen drawer, go up to my bedroom, turn on my radio, go in my closet and spank myself with it, and sneak it back to the drawer before she woke up. As my brother and sister and I got older and the spankings got less frequent, I started keeping the paddle hidden in my closet for longer periods of time. One day, my mom was looking for it and I was just sure she would know that I had it. Fortunately, she thought my brother or sister had taken it and hidden it because they were the ones it got used on most. I was the good kid - Ha! Helped that I was the baby of the family.
Whenever a kid at school talked about being spanked at home, I was all ears, wanting to hear about it. I remember reading passages of books over and over that had spankings or even references to them in them. I don't remember some of the books, but I still remember certain sentences. I remember this one: "Next he picked up a hairbrush and gave Mary Jane a spanking. She tried to tell him it was the witch who had done it, but he only spanked her harder."
If I saw a movie with a spanking in it, I would fantasize about it when I went to bed that night, imagining that I was the one getting spanked. Any dictionary I came across, I would look up the words spank, spanking, discipline, punishment, whipping, and other related words.
And cartoons - lord, there had to have been some serious spankos making cartoons in the late 70's! Oh, how my stomach would flip flop when the mama beaver put her baby beaver over the log and spanked him with her paddle-like tail! And the time on Tom and Jerry when Tom got caught in the clothesline and it spun him around and around backwards and his bottom kept smacking into a piece of wood that was sticking out... pretty soon his bottom was bright red and throbbing, and I was watching wide-eyed and feeling such strange feelings.
I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me to have such feelings. On the rare occasions that I did get a spanking from one of my parents, I dreaded it. So I couldn't understand the overwhelming feelings of desperately wanting to be spanked that I was having. I was awfully ashamed of these feelings. So much so that I couldn't even make myself say the word "spank" or any form of it. The last time I almost got spanked - I was 9, I think. I had lied about something, and my dad gave me the choice of a spanking or three days with no tv. I wanted to choose the spanking even though I was just in my underwear and a t-shirt and it would have been the first time my dad would have spanked me other than with my jeans on. Not because I enjoyed being spanked by my dad - far from it. I hated to have my dad disappointed enough in me to spank me. But I didn't want to give up tv for three days. I would have chosen the spanking...but I was crying near hysterically even thinking about saying the word. I managed to say "t....v...." in between sobs. My dad must have thought that the idea of a spanking was deeply traumatizing to me because he never spanked me again. He never even suggested it.
Remember the Fisher-Price toys - back when toys were well made? I had the school and the house and the castle. Well.... lots and lots of spanking going on in those buildings! There were kids standing in every available corner of the school house at all times. I had my sister's hand-me-down Barbie dolls, and they were always bare bottom getting spanked. I had a doll house with very posable people and the parents were always sitting in a chair with one of the kids bent over their knee. And I spanked all my stuffed animals. And of course I had all the Star Wars action figures because I was a child of the 70's. Instead of having battles, mine were always bent over getting spanked.
As I grew into a teenager and the action figures, stuffed animals, and other toys started going in boxes in the garage, I had to go back to just my imagination. My parents also started leaving me at home alone sometimes, and so I spent alot more time back in the closet spanking my bare bottom with whatever I could find that hurt. I already thought I was the only person in the world who wanted to be spanked. I was absolutely certain I was the only person in the world who actually spanked themselves.
I was 21 when I first got online on Prodigy (on my DOS based Compaq Deskpro 286 with a 20 meg (yes MEG) hard drive that was supposed to be bigger than anyone would ever need) and did a search for "spanking," not expecting to find anything other than references to child rearing and whether or not you should spank your child. To my surprise (and delight) I found a message board where people were talking about spanking in a way that I thought only existed in my own head.
Then there was Windows and AOL and good old alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking - back when at least 75% of posts were actually spanking pictures. Oh, I spent hours and hours looking at pictures and chatting. It was so amazing to realize that I wasn't the only one. I still wasn't sure that it wasn't terribly abnormal and that I wasn't crazy. I mean, just because you're not alone doesn't make you normal. I still had a whole lot of shame about it that was going to take time to work through.
But those will be stories for other posts.
I'm still here. It's been a busy spring and summer. Morgan had a very rough spring. She spent a grand total of 26 days in the hospital and had 2 major abdo...